CAUTION: Hungry And Dangerous

Third day back on the post-baby diet. I’m hungry, but it does feel good to get back on track. I decided to forget about exercise (as in Curves) and just focus on the diet for now. Once the over-stretched, hungry beast that is my stomach shrinks a bit, maybe I can integrate some cardio.
A friend gave us a bunch of children’s books. I was so excited to find an I Spy in the stack, giddy over the prospect of my son and I hunkering over it, finding hidden objects together. What was supposed to be a cuddly, learning moment, turned into a psycho mom moment. I became so obsessed with my inability to find an object, a pencil to be exact, that I started pulling the book closer to my own face and moving my son out of the way.
As my frustration grew, I was no longer reading with my son, but cursing over my inability to conquer this children’s book. My son’s little voice was saying, “I think its time to turn the page, Mommy,” but I barely noticed. I found that damn pencil, finally, but realized Mommy better do a little I Spy studying before sharing it with her son.
By the way, if you’re interested, the pencil is standing on its end next to the tower of blocks to the back right of the page. I think you can see the pink eraser fairly well…ha ha “fairly well” ha ha ha $#%$%…

Time For A Girly I’m-So-Fat Rant

My baby is three months old now, and I am the same weight I was when he was one month old. Leave it to the full length mirror in the hall, a warm day, and some shorts to shatter that cloud of denial I had going. The denial that supports my hunger for good food. The denial that likes to taunt my husband with comments like, “Don’t ya just LOVE my Barbie gams?!!” or “The way my knees are hiding behind one huge fat pad is as cute as a cupie doll!”
Ai-yi-yi, WHY LORD, do I have to gain a whopping 80 freakin’ pounds to have a baby?? And to all the women who told me it will burn right off after the baby, take a gander at my wide ass now! Now you can tell me it’s all belly, and I’ll appreciate your honesty. While I was pregnant it was a little hard to swallow, since I knew it was bullshit.
Royal Mom is getting serious now. No more denial, I’m putting it all out there. I’m even posting some before and after photos of my yo-yo diet called two pregnancies.
Before Baby #1 (barely, I was 6 weeks pregnant)
Six Weeks After Baby #1
One Year Later
Baby #2 “Barbie Gams”
So, goodbye my old friend Thai Orchid and your delicious Pad Thai noodles with the heavenly peanut sauce. Hello garden burger, sandwiched between two pieces of dry, low-calorie wheat bread, and all your un-delicious fiber.

What Is This Hand Basket I’m In, And Where Am I Going?

Thanks to Defective Yeti, I am laughing my ass off and watching for lightning.

Mmm, Shopping. It Must Be Hormones!

Pinching pennies, on my maternity leave, has left me with an itch to shop. The itch comes and goes, even when supported with two incomes, and isn’t satiated until an average of $300.00 is spent. Fortunately its cycle is not as frequent as the 28 (well, 27) day cycle I’m also plagued with, but more like every other month.
My latest itch has acquired me a few new things:
This beautiful diaper bag/tote says “hip mom of two boys!” does it not?
Chunk Boy is getting some bigger cloth diapers, for his growing bubble butt. Destiny from Manyducks is making us some diapers like this one pictured, but different prints.
These things don’t add up to $300.00. Maybe I have some restraint? Or maybe I’m still shopping (evil grin).

Hip, But Not Too Hip Web Design Plans

When I decided to try out blogging, I thought I’d first see how the content was going to play out before messing with the overall design. So Jason basically cut and paste the family web design, made a few quick alterations to color and title, and let me get started with posting.
Now that he is helping me personalize the layout, I have to decide exactly what image I want. Do I want young and hip, sophisticated, or maybe show off my kids beautiful faces? Do I want to be a cool mom, a retro mom or (gasp) the tired, post-baby pudgy mom that I really am right now?
Do I want to be able to throw in the occasional swear word? If I have my kids on the front, that would probably eliminate cussing. Too tacky, right? Ah, so much to think about.
In the end, I suppose it shouldn’t be too complicated. I’m just sharing a bit of our goings-on with friends, right? Or maybe just talking to myself in print.
Speaking of “goings-on,” Xander is becoming a monster chunk! We know not of this baby chub. Isaac was Mister Pencil-butt and we keep staring at this big fat head in awe, wondering from where it comes?
Reluctantly, I’ll be calling work and plugging in some shifts for April. This means waking up at 6:00 am, showering, donning scrubs and taking orders from bigger babies. Doctors, that is. I may need to go back to nursing school all over again; my post-partum brain has become flaccid!

When Will Going Out With Both Kids Not End In Mommy Tantrum?

Two months into this two-child family experiment, I am still overwhelmed by going out alone with both kids. I usually end up mumbling obscenities at the car-seat, groaning about how heavy the infant carrier is and dropping numerous things in the parking lot, while trying to corral my slow moving toddler away from traffic. Add a little wind and rain to the mix, and my nerves are liable to explode.
Today’s little adventure included all of the above. Meeting a friend for lunch, I managed to get us all into the restaurant a little damp but unscathed. Getting out was a different story. Since I have to carry the infant carrier, my I’m-still-cool purse and still have a hand free to pull my three year old out of danger, the job of carrying the takeout box was left to the three year old. The rain is soaking us, the three year old is walking turtle slow and the infant is screaming. In full Royal Mom fashion, the soggy parking lot was littered with our take-out and our baby blanket. What is it going to take to get from point A to B without dropping shit??
At this point I should have gone home to my safe place, but decided to risk going to the mall for some play time at the indoor play yard. I had forgotten about this week being spring break; the mall was absolutely packed and the play-yard overflowed with kids. My toddler was squealing with excitement, so I turned him loose while I sat back and watched.
Luck was on my side here, because the baby was sleeping soundly in the Bjorn and I was free to keep my eye on the ball, while still eyeing up the other moms. My two “favorite” moms were there: The Counter and The Clueless.
The Counter is the lazy broad who cannot be burdened to get up from her seat. She shouts across the room to issue warnings and citations. When Counter Jr. refuses to obey, The Counter begins to count, “Get over here NOW! 1…2….3…” If Counter Jr. doesn’t come right away, The Counter does not want to give up her sitting status too easily, so begins to beckon louder. Eventually Counter Jr comes over. Maybe embarrassment is the final clincher?
The other mom, Clueless, sat on the other side of the play-yard and had three children: infant, two, and four. She held the infant and gabbed with Grandma while the older terrors menaced around the play-yard. The four year old boy pushed kids down, kicked, and prevented kids from climbing. The rest of the moms had to rescue their crying children from this boy at least once or twice each. I wanted to kick this mom in the face. One of these days my pent up anger for The Clueless, is going to result in me walking up to her and saying, “You stupid fuck, why don’t you pay attention to your kids!!!”
The outing concluded with me losing my car and wandering around in the rain to find it. Thank God it’s Friday and I can recover with two whole days of tag team parenting.

Dot Moms

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Reading Again

After cruising around Barnes And Noble last night, I put together a few selections to keep me busy for a while.
Living Out Loud by Anna Quindlen:
A collection of her “Life In The 30’s” columns. It will be nice to have this around for short reads. I appreciate her bio as a mom of two young boys. Everybody say a heart-warming “awwwww!”
Geek Love by Katherine Dunn
Now this is a novel I can get into. How is it I haven’t been introduced to this one before?!! I’m 57 pages into its 347, and already imagining how bummed I will be when it’s over. The author is local, here in Portland, and I enjoy the familiar street names and land-marks. Her twisted mind is a beautiful one.
I also bought…
The Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy by Doglas Adams
Finally joining the masses who’ve already added this to their list of favorites, I’ll start on this right after Geek Love.
The new Blackwood Farm by Anne Rice
I’ve read just about every one of her books, so felt compelled to add it to my collection. Honestly, I’m not sure if I’ll actually read it. We’ll see.
Stitch ‘N Bitch: The Knitter’s Handbook by Debbie Stoller.
My old knitting needles are lost in the dust somewhere, and I’ve been invited to join a Stitch ‘n Bitch. I thought it would be best if I practiced a bit before actually joining.

Confessions of an Imperfect Parent

The afternoon spent gabbing with my good friend E, has left me thinking about my parenting style. She has this fantastic way of speaking gently and taking time to explain things softly. I try to do the same, but somehow feels barbaric in comparison. As much as I’d like to be soft and sweet, I think I’ll forever be outspoken and silly. I suppose it’s more of a personality thing, than a parenting style; the result of a sibling of five fighting to be heard, maybe?
So, this leads me to:
10 Shameful Parenting Flaws I’d Like To Improve
1. Raising my voice when frustrated.
2. Realizing a “yes” answer after giving the “no” answer to my toddler, and causing it to look like I’m giving in to begging.
3. Contradicting my husband’s parental decisions in front of our son.
4. Answering to the seductive call of the swing and the bouncy chair, instead of holding my baby more.
5. Continuing to watch the last bit of a Sopranos episode after our toddler has come into the room.
6. Using the TV to baby-sit while I do my stuff.
7. My addiction to soda: My son’s first sip has left him wanting more, and every sip he takes off my drink, the guilt grows bigger. “I’m demineralizing his growing bones!”
8. The fact my son knows what McDonalds is, and makes his request for “chicken nuggets and fries, please.”
9. Having our son tell US we need to “say a blessing for the food from God.” (Thanks, Mom!)
10. “Beep, beep, beep” means dinner’s ready if I’m cooking. Me loves me microwave!

Royal Dad

Royal Dad