RoyalMom

Thanks Krista, I think I'll play too!

Bold what is true about you:

APPEARANCE

I am shorter than 5'4. I am taller than 5'11". I have many scars. I tan easily. I don't shave my legs. (well, sometimes) I wish my hair was a different color. I have a tattoo, or more. I am self-conscious about my appearance. I have/had braces. I wear glasses just to read. I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free. I've been told I'm attractive by a complete stranger. I have/had more than 2 piercings. I have/had piercings in places besides my ears. I have freckles.

FAMILY/HOME LIFE
I've sworn at my parents.
I've run away from home.
I've been kicked out of the house.
My biological parents are together.
I have a sibling less than one year old.
I want to have kids someday.
I have children.
I've lost a child.

SCHOOL/WORK
I'm in school.
I have a job.
I've fallen asleep at work/school.
I almost always do my homework.
I've missed a week or more of school.
I've been on the Honor Roll within the last 2 years (of school)
I failed more than 1 class last year.
I've stolen something from my job. (I "borrowed" incontinence pads for my kid's bed)
I've been fired.
I've skipped school.

EMBARRASSMENT
I've slipped out a "lol" in a spoken conversation.
Disney movies still make me cry.
I've peed from laughing. (all over my friend's kitchen floor at age 15, I'll be in diapers by 40)
I've snorted while laughing.
I've laughed so hard I've cried
I've glued my hand to something.
I've laughed till some kind of beverage came out of my nose.
I've had my pants rip in public.

HEALTH

I was born with a disease/impairment. I've gotten stitches. I've broken a bone. I've had my tonsils removed. I've sat in a doctor's office with a friend. I've had my wisdom teeth removed. I've had serious surgery. I've had chicken pox. My vision is better than 20/20.

TRAVELING
I've driven over 200 miles in one day.
I've been on a plane.
I've been to Canada.
I've been to Mexico.
I've been to Niagara Falls.
I've been to Japan
I've been down under.
I've Celebrated Mardi Gras in New Orleans.
I've been to Europe.I've been to Africa.
I've been to Hell.

EXPERIENCES
I've gotten lost in my city.
I've seen a shooting star.
I've wished on a shooting star.
I've seen a meteor shower.
I've gone out in public in my pajamas.
I've pushed all the buttons on an elevator.
I've kicked a guy where it hurts.
I've been to a casino.
I've been skydiving.
I've gone skinny dipping.
I've played spin the bottle.
I've drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour.
I've crashed a car.
I've been skiing.
I've been in a play.
I've met someone in person from the internet.
I've caught a snowflake on my tongue.
I've seen the Northern Lights.
I've sat on a roof top at night.
I've played chicken.
I've played a prank on someone.
I've ridden in a taxi.
I've seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
I've eaten Sushi.
I've been snowboarding.

SEXUALITY
I have a crush on more than one person.
I have a crush on someone of the same sex.
I've kissed someone of the same sex.
I've had a crush on a teacher.
I am a cuddler. (only with hubby and kids)
I love to flirt.
I've been kissed in the rain.
I've hugged a stranger.
I've kissed a stranger.

HONESTY/CRIME
I am a terrible liar.
I've done something I promised someone else I wouldn't.
I've done something I promised myself I wouldn't.
I've snuck out of my house.
I have lied to my parents about where I am.
I am keeping a secret from the world.
I've cheated while playing a game.
I've cheated on a test.
I've run a red light.
I've been suspended from school.
I've been in a fist fight
I've witnessed a crime (some dorks ran out of Rite Aid with jugs of wine)
I've been arrested
I've shoplifted (age 10, milk Duds..got caught lol)

DEATH & DYING
I'm afraid of dying.
I've fantasized about my own death.
I hate funerals.
I've seen someone dying.
Someone close to me has attempted suicide.
Someone close to me has commited suicide.
I've planned my own suicide.
I've written a eulogy for myself.

MATERIALISM
I own over 5 rap CDs.
I own an iPod or MP3 player.
I have an unhealthy obsession with anime/manga.
I own multiple designer purses, costing over $100 a piece.
I own something from Hot Topic.
I own something from Pac Sun.
I collect comic books.
I own something from The Gap.
I own something I got on e-bay.
I own something from Abercrombie.

POLITICAL/SOCIAL ATTITUDES
In general, I don't like people.
I'm a feminist.
I'm very outgoing
I listen to political music (once in a while on NPR)
I'm Democratic
I'm Republican.
I'm liberal.
I don't like Bush because he is dumb.
I don't like Bush with my own reasons to back it up.
I am for Bush. I'm religious.
I dress fairly modestly.
My attitude is, "If you've got it, flaunt it."

RANDOM
I can sing well.
I've stolen a tray from a fast food restaurant.
I open up to others easily.
I watch the news. (sometimes)
I don't kill bugs.
I hate hearing songs that sacrifice meaning for the sake of being able to rhyme. (..."my lovely lady lumps..." does not count...that's deep).
I curse regularly.
I sing in the shower.
I am a morning person.
I paid for my cell phone ring tone.
I'm a snob about grammar.
I am a sports fanatic.
I twirl my hair.
I have "x"s in my screen name.
I love being neat.
I've had Spam.
I've copied more than 30 CDs in a day.
I bake well.
My favorite color is blue.
I would wear pajamas to school.
I like Martha Stewart.
I know how to shoot a gun.
I am in love with love.
I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS.
I laugh at my own jokes.
I eat fast food weekly.
I am online 24/7, even as an away message.
I've not turned anything in and still got an A in a certain class.
I can't sleep if there is a spider in the room.
I am really ticklish.
I love white chocolate.
I bite my nails.
I play video games.
I'm good at remembering faces.
I'm good at remembering names.
I'm good at remembering dates.
I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.

My answers are totally honest.

Squeezing in to see if I can get two in focus, with a 1.4 aperture. Not easy, my friends. But, hey, no flash in my dark living room at night!

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And we had fun eating pizza, playing games, and...I love this, all of us huddled around my computer laughing at this and that. It was a debate over which breed of bulldog is better looking.

Still trying ti figure out the B/W conversion without blowing out the face, and losing detail...but here is Michael and Xan sitting at the table on either side of me.

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The last two days, my mind has been running over the potential dialogue of calling and requesting that Michael be moved to another foster home. I think about what I would say, and how I would feel. How would Jason feel? How would the caseworker respond? And what would happen to Michael?

Would he be devastated? Would this be the final disappointment in his life, to send him spiraling into "Reactive Attachment Disorder".

This placement has not been a great fit from the start. The two little ones are so close in age, they fight all day. Jason and I have been on survival mode, since the day he came, and I am wondering if foster parenting is not for us, at this time in our lives.

Michael has been a sweet little guy, but already exhibits a lot of the characteristics of attachment disorder. The guilt of letting him down, has kept us from making the call, from day one. But every day, I squeeze him and kiss him, feed him and change him...but in the back of my mind, I just wish DHS would call and tell us he is being moved.

I am sooooo tired.

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And I am so sad, for Michael. No one can know what its like to foster, until you actually do it. The classes aren't enough to help you understand, and know if this is something you can do.

A foster child is coming into care with a lot of issues, and needs a lot of extra love and attention. It seemed like something we could do, since we do it every day with our two. Our two children were, in fact, kind of low maintenance , and life seemed "boring" enough to want another.

But the day we got Michael, our life went from quiet to crazy, and I have barely been able to keep a handle on things. Xander turned into demon child. I barely get dressed on my days off, because I can't go anywhere and I'm just trying to survive another day.

Anyway, here's the email I sent, that sums it up a little more:

(Case Worker),

Two things:

The eye appointment, shows that Michael has Coloboma, in the right eye. The outward drift in that same eye, is apparently unrelated to the coloboma. It is something that might need surgery in the future, but will need to be monitored with another check up in 6 months.

Our other issue, is his possible attachment disorder. He is a very sweet, lovable guy upon first impression. But, after spending several weeks with him, it is apparent he does not want to be "cuddled" and avoids eye contact for more than a fleeting second. His "play" consists mostly of throwing things, and trying to break toys and books. This has been very difficult to differentiate between "normal" 19 month old behavior, and abnormal behavior...but it just felt like he is MORE in so many ways. After reading up on some attachment disorder sites, he does show many of the "red flag" signs.

We have tried to initiate some of the therapeutic recommendations, and I am sure, given time, these things might help him a lot:

Bottle feeding (as if he was a newborn), with rocking and encouraging eye contact.
Picking him up and cradling him back, telling him "I love you," each time he is doing a "no-no" behavior,

But, with two young children already, it is turning out to be too much for us. Its been survival mode for us since day one. We gave ourselves until January first to decide if this placement was going to work. We had to be honest with ourselves, Michael, and DHS and admit it is not working out.

Please let us know how we can assist in a transfer ASAP.

Zoe

I believe it was Wednesday, the 4th, I sent the email to end our fostering experience. I did get a call fairly quickly that evening. Michael's info has been sent to the "placement desk" and they are working on finding a home to transition him to. I was told it would probably "not happen in the next couple days."

That means not the weekend either, of course. These things have a way of getting placed on the back burner, so to speak, unless you make yourself heard loud and clear. So I will be putting out another round of emails and calls, on Tuesday.

My mom offered to give us a night out on Friday, but less than an hour into it we were summoned back because Michael was too much. AAhahhahahhahahah!!!! In less than one hour she went from telling me how sweet he is, and that he does listen well...to next time "If you still have 'HIM' we should plan it for your house, that is more baby proofed."

Its so sad. He really is the cutest little guy. I am going through so much guilt and doubt these past days. But, dang, he is soooo much work. And obviously its not easy to get someone else to give me a break.

I'll be packing his clothes and toys the next couple days, mulling over what a rotten parent I am, questioning how I can abandon him like this? I keep thinking he needs to be the only child to get the attention he needs. What if they move him to a foster home with a load of kids, and he ends up too much for the next home too? That is my fear. That my transfer will be the start of many, for him.

So many mixed emotions, for my little Michael...

Its been a poorly planned celebration this year, as we still need to organize his party for his birthday yesterday, January 7th.

We had a wonderful snow storm two years ago, when Jason and I slowly drove to the hospital to welcome Xander into our family. After a quick two hour delivery, we held him in our arms.

For some reason, he looks like such a beef in this photo, but if you could see how extremely tiny those cloth diapers are, it would put it into perspective.

My little munchkin, at six weeks, looking uber cute. This was about the time, I was freaking out trying to juggle two kids and still maintain my hip, social life, if you remember this terrible day.

And here's my pumpkin at about one year. Unbelievable cuteness! I don't hardly go out anymore because we get harassed by model scouts...ugh!

Someone please stop me...here he is at about 18 months, I'm guessing, sleeping. Mmmmmm, that little baby elbow.

And a quick snapshot of Xander today. We'll try to get more with his party.

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Jason summed it up nicely here. Michael's things were packed up and his case worker came to take him to his new home.

He hung out in the playpen for a bit, since he was trying to get himself hurt...but then he and Xander looked out the window, as we waited for his ride...

Mike tries to sneak in one last bite...

And now, I think I'm going to cry...

A very nice, simple gathering for Xander's celebration. Since Xan is only two, and he'll love any cake I get him...I got the "All American Chocolate Cake" from Costco, that I love so much. It was all about me, poor guy. It is HUGE and will be in my fridge for a while, eaten one sliver at a time.:)

He blew out his two candles like a pro!

Me, sitting with my boys...and my mom, showing her party spirit.

Xan was able to rip open his own gifts this time, and got a cool "Saxoflute" toy, that lets him connect pieces to create his own instrument. Very cool! Jason and Isaac got into that one.

He also got a three pack of cars, and a set of two phones that are walkie talkie-ish. The phones look fun, but we haven't tried them out yet.

And that was it!

The first day, I basically made up a lot of missed sleep. The house was sooo incredibly quiet. No loud crying, screams, or fighting. The house got cleaned up a bit, and we all got dressed.

There had been so many days, the kids or I remained in pajamas all day long...that Isaac resisted getting dressed. But we all got dressed, and I took the poor, neglected dog to get bathed and groomed. Omi did a great job!

Then all three of us took a long afternoon nap. After our usual bedtime routine, with the kids, Jason and I relaxed on the couch and watched "Country Boys" on PBS. Interesting reality-type documentary of some hicks, in an alternative school. I enjoyed it a lot, lol, and will be watching the finale tonight.

This morning, I woke up and the first thing that popped into my head was Michael's little face. And I was sad, thinking maybe I had just needed a day of rest? But then I remembered our day in a life with Michael, and realized we made the right decision.

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I've been researching Isaac's options for kindergarten and have started the preliminary enrollment process for a public homeschool public school at home. Yes, that's right, I said "PUBLIC" homeschool. Amazing, eh? The idea of homeschooling is appealing to me, but the idea of choosing a curriculum and buying a ton of things I am unsure of is intimidating.

When I learned they have a public homeschool school at home, I was all over it. Because its public, all curriculum is provided, as well as a teacher support who calls or visits. The program must meet all the same requirements and testings of any public school. The only difference is, I am the teacher and the classroom is our home. Best of all, we don't have to send our kids to some overcrowded institution, prey to fundraisers and child predators.

Unfortunately, enrollment is limited, so I am still crossing my fingers we get in.

We just did our Kidergarten Assessment Test today, and it was fun. And I learned we need to work on Isaac's reading comprehension. And, writing of course, but I thought his comprehension was better.

Thank you Chris O'donnell for setting the record straight.

This one is close by, and looks very interesting. This whole school thing has been giving me pangs of anxiety for the last three years. Now that Isaac is quickly approaching five, its time to get serious about making a choice.

1. Local public elementary 2. Private school 3. public school at home 4. Homeschool 5. Charter school

I've vaguely heard the tern "un-schooling" but haven't looked into that yet. Am I missing an option here?

We bought this absolutely fabulous children's book at Goodwill. It's educational, funny and really a blast to read. Its called A Dinosaur Ate My Home Work, by Ray Nelson, Douglas Kelly & Ben Adams. The lines read like poetry and the cartoon characters are a crack up.

I googled the authors to try and find more titles, as listed in the book:

The International Adventures of Donovan Willoughby (health and Anatomy) Greetings From America... (U.S. Geography) The Seven Seas of Billy's Bathtub (Ocean and Sea Life) Connie and Bonnie's Birthday Blastoff (Astronomy and the Solar System)

And others. Apparently, these books, produced by Flying Rhino Books, were written, bound and distributed in Portland, Oregon to be used in schools in 1994. They cannot be found anywhere now, except used.

I am so bummed! I did manage to order a used copy of Wooden Teeth and Jelly Beans, a book about the U.S. Presidents.

If you can snag one up, I'd recommend it. (Unless you're die hard against punitive punishment in literature...the dinosaurs did end up with detention and sentences ;)

I splurged and bought a pair of these Dansko clogs everyone raves about. They truly are quite comfortable! I really needed something without ties, I can slip on in a hurry.

But, Isaac is not going to be happy. We always have a "race" to get shoes on, and he loves that all my shoes have laces, and his don't. Seems to me, I'm going to be doing some winning...and then I'll hear, "Mommy, lets just get our shoes on without racing this time."

Thanks Amanda! I'll play

Four Jobs you have had in your life? 1. "Patient Assistant" in Dietary at the hospital (passed dinner trays) 2. CNA (nursing assistant) in a Geriatric Psychiatric locked unit 3. RN Neuro and Vascular unit, then Adult Home Health 4. Now RN in an ICU step down/telemetry hospital unit

Four movies you would watch over and over? 1. Napoleon Dynamite 2. DodgeBall 3. Anne of Avonlea and Green Gables 4. Pride and Prejudice (BBC version)

Four Places You've Lived? 1. San Diego, CA (born) 2. Cascade Locks, Oregon (preschool age only) 3. Hillsboro, Oregon 4.Walla Walla, Washington (for college)

Four TV shows you love to watch? 1. Seinfeld 2. Anything 3. On 4. PBS

Four websites you visit daily? 1. I Love Photography 2. Foster Parent Support Forum, trying to wean myself off slowly 3. Peas and Carrots, Ezboard 4. NetNewsWire pings all the blogs I follow, uploading all new entries.

Four of your favorite foods? 1. Italian 2. Thai 3. Japanese 4. Mexican...does that cover it all? I love food.

Four places you'd rather be right now? 1. Vacationing with my family in Florida, staying at my Grandma's old house. 2. Vacationing with my family in Hawaii. 3. Vacationing with my family in Japan. 4. Vacationing with my hubby in Vegas...see a theme here?

Four blogs you read of complete strangers? (I changed it a little, lol) 1. Planet Dan 2. Dooce 3. Happy Homeschooler 4. Pamelamama

I really don't have any photos of my two kids together, and somehow our lovely daycare provider managed to take this today! It was so nice to see what my kids are up to, while I was at work. Xander has his usual, I'm too cool to show how much fun I'm having face, LOL.

Thanks AnnMarie, for taking such good care of my babies!

Oh boy...I can see how comfortable they should be, but they seem to be too tight over the bridge of my feet. And, of course, I've worn them all over the place today, including the wet outdoors. So, I can't exchange them.

Fat, wide feet are such a curse! Lesson learned, next time I go shopping for expensive shoes, do not take the kids with me. I rushed through the trying on process, since Xander was being his usual gem self in the store.

Xander and I got haircuts today. Here Xander is to show it off...and that's me behind the camera;)

But, it might just be the wrong photo for it. Isaac today:

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link

Is my whole body in now?

Our first venture into the rental biz, has been a sloooow start. We rushed into buying a new house before the old one was completely ready. A lot of projects are unfinished, including the deck we need to build.

We've had the house cleaned, and are trying to get things completed. But the going is slow, for lack of funds, energy and free time.

Regardless of its state of readiness, we put up the For Rent sign to see what kind of action we might get...because, who knows, maybe someone out there doesn't care that half the doors are new and white, and the rest are old and dark.

After several weeks of calls, a bunch of wasted rental applications and a lot of time wasted on the phone and appointments, we have finally taken down the For Rent sign. We decided to finish our projects first, and then get more aggressive with advertising in the paper. The drive-by's have proven to NOT be the kind of renter we are looking for.

After I listen to the big story of why they need to move, I have to come up with a polite way of saying how little I care about their story. All I care about is the background and credit check..and then I don't hear from them again.

We are learning so much, though. I can't believe how nervous Jason was the first time he showed the house. Ha! Now I am getting so bold on the phone, to let people know the requirements up front.

I just hope we can get it occupied soon.

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Isaac: "Can you get me some milk?" Me: "Do you want rice milk, or do you prefer cow's milk? Isaac: Yes, but its not actually cow's milk." Me: "Um, yes. They actually get the milk from a cows boob." (said as I am pointing to the picture of a cow on the label) Isaac: "No they don't. Well they don't get chocolate milk from a cow. " Me: "They get the white milk from the cow, and mix the chocolate in." Isaac: "No they don't" Me: "Okay."

Moomilk.com

Alright, so its not called a "boob." Its an utter.

Blogged about it here, three years ago, but I'll add it here to Royalmom.

Today is the third birthday of my sweet baby girl, who was stillborn at 25 weeks. It seems to be particularly hard on me this year, now that the rest of my life is calming down and the distractions are minimal.

So in honor of my baby girl, Yana Grace, I tell her birthstory:

At 5 1/2 months into my pregnancy I was starting to feel pretty good and filling out my "hip mama" maternity clothes. In fact, I was looking pretty cool in a new dress when I went in for my 25 week OB check up. The doctor couldn't find a heartbeat and went to get the ultrasound for a better look. I was worried, but still hoping for the best.

But the ultrasound was so obvious. She had no heartbeat and looked to be laying, lifeless, on the bottom floor of my uterus. I was devastated and sobbed uncontrollably. After making some calls, my mom came and walked with me to delivery. I was to be induced that evening.

Jason had to drive up from Eugene. he and my roommate stayed with me all night. She was born at 6:10am, weighing 9oz and 10 inches long. I named her Yana Grace and held her for 5 hours, until they had to take her away for a biopsy.

I have never cried so hard in my life, or felt so much pain. I guess the pain never goes away, only becomes more manegeable. Three years later, I am still tearfull and looking at the photos. My baby girl has a place in the Mount Calvary Cemetary and shares a tombstone with many other babies. I have a beautiful, healthy baby boy, Isaac, who I love so much, but I will never forget that I have another baby too. A tiny girl, whos life was cut too short. She will always be loved and missed.

-Mom

This year marks the SIXTH anniversary, and it does not seem particularly sad to me. In fact, I can remember the emotions of the day without wondering what my life would be like with her, or what she might look like. Maybe its the fact that I now have two busy boys.

Looking back, it was an amazing turn in my life, to growing up and meeting the love of my life.

Here is a ragged me, with my tiny baby. She was so small, she could have fit inside a tea cup...yet so perfectly formed already. The only baby girl I will ever have had, I'm afraid.