Another bitter sweet anniversary

Blogged about it here, three years ago, but I’ll add it here to Royalmom.

Today is the third birthday of my sweet baby girl, who was stillborn at 25 weeks. It seems to be particularly hard on me this year, now that the rest of my life is calming down and the distractions are minimal.

So in honor of my baby girl, Yana Grace, I tell her birthstory:

At 5 1/2 months into my pregnancy I was starting to feel pretty good and filling out my “hip mama” maternity clothes. In fact, I was looking pretty cool in a new dress when I went in for my 25 week OB check up. The doctor couldn’t find a heartbeat and went to get the ultrasound for a better look. I was worried, but still hoping for the best.

But the ultrasound was so obvious. She had no heartbeat and looked to be laying, lifeless, on the bottom floor of my uterus. I was devastated and sobbed uncontrollably. After making some calls, my mom came and walked with me to delivery. I was to be induced that evening.

Jason had to drive up from Eugene. he and my roommate stayed with me all night. She was born at 6:10am, weighing 9oz and 10 inches long. I named her Yana Grace and held her for 5 hours, until they had to take her away for a biopsy.

I have never cried so hard in my life, or felt so much pain. I guess the pain never goes away, only becomes more manegeable. Three years later, I am still tearfull and looking at the photos. My baby girl has a place in the Mount Calvary Cemetary and shares a tombstone with many other babies. I have a beautiful, healthy baby boy, Isaac, who I love so much, but I will never forget that I have another baby too. A tiny girl, whos life was cut too short. She will always be loved and missed.


This year marks the SIXTH anniversary, and it does not seem particularly sad to me. In fact, I can remember the emotions of the day without wondering what my life would be like with her, or what she might look like. Maybe its the fact that I now have two busy boys.

Looking back, it was an amazing turn in my life, to growing up and meeting the love of my life.

Here is a ragged me, with my tiny baby. She was so small, she could have fit inside a tea cup…yet so perfectly formed already. The only baby girl I will ever have had, I’m afraid.



3 Responses to “Another bitter sweet anniversary”

  1. kim Says:

    I’m so sorry you had to go through that, I can’t imagine… but am really glad that times seems to be helping in the healing!

  2. Michelle Says:

    I am so sorry for your loss. I am glad time has healed those wounds. Hugs!

  3. Tara Says:

    I think someday you’ll hold that beautiful girl again.
    I’m so sorry for your pain, but also so glad for your healing. What a beautiful moment to share.

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