Archive for January, 2006

Another bitter sweet anniversary

Blogged about it here, three years ago, but I’ll add it here to Royalmom.

Today is the third birthday of my sweet baby girl, who was stillborn at 25 weeks. It seems to be particularly hard on me this year, now that the rest of my life is calming down and the distractions are minimal.

So in honor of my baby girl, Yana Grace, I tell her birthstory:

At 5 1/2 months into my pregnancy I was starting to feel pretty good and filling out my “hip mama” maternity clothes. In fact, I was looking pretty cool in a new dress when I went in for my 25 week OB check up. The doctor couldn’t find a heartbeat and went to get the ultrasound for a better look. I was worried, but still hoping for the best.

But the ultrasound was so obvious. She had no heartbeat and looked to be laying, lifeless, on the bottom floor of my uterus. I was devastated and sobbed uncontrollably. After making some calls, my mom came and walked with me to delivery. I was to be induced that evening.

Jason had to drive up from Eugene. he and my roommate stayed with me all night. She was born at 6:10am, weighing 9oz and 10 inches long. I named her Yana Grace and held her for 5 hours, until they had to take her away for a biopsy.

I have never cried so hard in my life, or felt so much pain. I guess the pain never goes away, only becomes more manegeable. Three years later, I am still tearfull and looking at the photos. My baby girl has a place in the Mount Calvary Cemetary and shares a tombstone with many other babies. I have a beautiful, healthy baby boy, Isaac, who I love so much, but I will never forget that I have another baby too. A tiny girl, whos life was cut too short. She will always be loved and missed.


This year marks the SIXTH anniversary, and it does not seem particularly sad to me. In fact, I can remember the emotions of the day without wondering what my life would be like with her, or what she might look like. Maybe its the fact that I now have two busy boys.

Looking back, it was an amazing turn in my life, to growing up and meeting the love of my life.

Here is a ragged me, with my tiny baby. She was so small, she could have fit inside a tea cup…yet so perfectly formed already. The only baby girl I will ever have had, I’m afraid.



Four year old’s know best

Isaac: “Can you get me some milk?”
Me: “Do you want rice milk, or do you prefer cow’s milk?
Isaac: Yes, but its not actually cow’s milk.”
Me: “Um, yes. They actually get the milk from a cows boob.” (said as I am pointing to the picture of a cow on the label)
Isaac: “No they don’t. Well they don’t get chocolate milk from a cow. ”
Me: “They get the white milk from the cow, and mix the chocolate in.”
Isaac: “No they don’t”
Me: “Okay.”

Alright, so its not called a “boob.” Its an utter.

Practice, practice…

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Biz talk

Our first venture into the rental biz, has been a sloooow start. We rushed into buying a new house before the old one was completely ready. A lot of projects are unfinished, including the deck we need to build.

We’ve had the house cleaned, and are trying to get things completed. But the going is slow, for lack of funds, energy and free time.

Regardless of its state of readiness, we put up the For Rent sign to see what kind of action we might get…because, who knows, maybe someone out there doesn’t care that half the doors are new and white, and the rest are old and dark.

After several weeks of calls, a bunch of wasted rental applications and a lot of time wasted on the phone and appointments, we have finally taken down the For Rent sign. We decided to finish our projects first, and then get more aggressive with advertising in the paper. The drive-by’s have proven to NOT be the kind of renter we are looking for.

After I listen to the big story of why they need to move, I have to come up with a polite way of saying how little I care about their story. All I care about is the background and credit check..and then I don’t hear from them again.

We are learning so much, though. I can’t believe how nervous Jason was the first time he showed the house. Ha! Now I am getting so bold on the phone, to let people know the requirements up front.

I just hope we can get it occupied soon.

“Let’s see if I can fit in this box?”

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Is my whole body in now?

Canon has gone all out with this one!



Not sure about this mocha action

But, it might just be the wrong photo for it. Isaac today:

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A full day in my Danskos

Oh boy…I can see how comfortable they should be, but they seem to be too tight over the bridge of my feet. And, of course, I’ve worn them all over the place today, including the wet outdoors. So, I can’t exchange them.

Fat, wide feet are such a curse! Lesson learned, next time I go shopping for expensive shoes, do not take the kids with me. I rushed through the trying on process, since Xander was being his usual gem self in the store.

Xander and I got haircuts today. Here Xander is to show it off…and that’s me behind the camera;)

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How does she do it?

I really don’t have any photos of my two kids together, and somehow our lovely daycare provider managed to take this today! It was so nice to see what my kids are up to, while I was at work. Xander has his usual, I’m too cool to show how much fun I’m having face, LOL.

Thanks AnnMarie, for taking such good care of my babies!

Ellie Is 3

Yikes, a “ping virgin” no more

Thanks Amanda! I’ll play

Four Jobs you have had in your life?
1. “Patient Assistant” in Dietary at the hospital (passed dinner trays)
2. CNA (nursing assistant) in a Geriatric Psychiatric locked unit
3. RN Neuro and Vascular unit, then Adult Home Health
4. Now RN in an ICU step down/telemetry hospital unit

Four movies you would watch over and over?
1. Napoleon Dynamite
2. DodgeBall
3. Anne of Avonlea and Green Gables
4. Pride and Prejudice (BBC version)

Four Places You’ve Lived?
1. San Diego, CA (born)
2. Cascade Locks, Oregon (preschool age only)
3. Hillsboro, Oregon
4.Walla Walla, Washington (for college)

Four TV shows you love to watch?
1. Seinfeld
2. Anything
3. On
4. PBS

Four websites you visit daily?
1. I Love Photography
2. Foster Parent Support Forum, trying to wean myself off slowly
3. Peas and Carrots, Ezboard
4. NetNewsWire pings all the blogs I follow, uploading all new entries.

Four of your favorite foods?
1. Italian
2. Thai
3. Japanese
4. Mexican…does that cover it all? I love food.

Four places you’d rather be right now?
1. Vacationing with my family in Florida, staying at my Grandma’s old house.
2. Vacationing with my family in Hawaii.
3. Vacationing with my family in Japan.
4. Vacationing with my hubby in Vegas…see a theme here?

Four blogs you read of complete strangers? (I changed it a little, lol)
1. Planet Dan
2. Dooce
3. Happy Homeschooler
4. Pamelamama